Is that a gun or are you just happy to see me?

So he left SW my love left me yesterday at 10 am. I cried, not because I couldn't see him but just because its unknown. I am such an independent person and to allow SW to come into my life and be a dependable source was so difficult for me. I think maybe that's why we were fighting so much the last few days (or a week). I have finally depended on someone and looked forward to that luxury. Really having someone you can count on is such a wonderful gift. Not just of being married because I know married people that can't trust or depend on their spouse. But having someone you can ask to do something for you, even just turn off that light or pick up some milk on your way home. Its so nice, sometimes even sweat the benefits given to me by my husband. There he went on a bus packed with men in uniform and I'm sure after their ride smelling like feet and dirty gym lockers. 12 whole months with no help from him. Part of me wants to be mad, I mean how could he leave me alone like this. We were just getting into a rhythm in the new house...have I said we got into the new house? Oh who am I kidding, we didn't have anything down yet. But its not fair I will have a much better routine when he comes back and he's still in his second week of living at this place. My clothes will be put away where I want them to be, while his may still be in a box because Bethyboo couldn't figure out what to do with them, or is to depressed to smell him. Plus why the f should I do his crap for him? I work, I work hard plus I have to unpack all this shiz? OH HELL NO! But...he'd do it for me right? I'm wanting to get mad at him because then I can talk myself out of being so sad and alone. I know men don't show their feelings like us chicks do, but he didn't cry plus my crazy emotions make it seem like he doesn't care he's leaving me with all the crap to do while he has his vacation in ACSOTN.



I have finally gotten over my stress, only to be replaced with lonely. I'm not sad...or maybe I'm pushing that emotion deep down. I'm disappointed, mostly in him. I so know its not his fault but how could I be left alone? Plus did he really try to call me like he SAID he would? Of course he did, or didn't but wanted to and couldn't for what ever military reason. I have been reading the book Letters to Jordan, its great, very sad, and doesn't really help my mood but I like it. Something in the book made me totally think of SW. The woman in the book Dana was talking about her spouse (or past spouse as he passed) and how independent she was before they met. Well she wasn't sure if she actually wanted to be his girlfriend because he wasn't her type. He was a military man and she never even thought that would be a thought for her mate. Me either...but with Dana, she had all of these negatives about Charles (her husband/former?) but when it came down to it he would do anything for her. Charles made this comment about how his soldiers wouldn't recognize him when he was with her, and how she wouldn't recognize him when he was with her soldier. So true with SW and I. I just wasn't sure, and NEVER thought this would be my life. I vowed never to be the one in a relationship sitting at home on Saturdays...for an extended time. But for the next 52 Saturdays, I'll be here on the sofa with what ever is on DVR. I may end up spending $1000 on DVDs...I mean that's OK what is it like 2 months of stop loss? That's a joke folks really I'm a cheapo...although the dual income is so freaking nice...I never would have imagined. So you think you can dance is on right now...its just not that good of a show any more, and that damn Mary. She needs to STFU with the WHOOOOOOOOH!!!



One big thing yesterday's deployment made me start thinking about was babies...How hard it must be to have a child though this. For both the deployed person and the one left here. I'm luck that this is my home...well I grew up around here...but still no one I know has ever gone through this before. I'm desperately trying to find somewhere with people I can just connect with on the subject, but can't. So I am only imagining how someone from elsewhere would be feeling...I'd love to be your friend but how the hell I'd find you and why you would be crazy enough to go out with me and my late work schedule is crazy. That crazy alone girl could be me in a year or two. Since the plan SW and I have is to give the baby train a try as soon as his vaca is over. Its something that worries me though, how will he feel after this bout in ACSOTN. I feel that maybe it won't be a good time. I did tell SW that I may decide to hold off for two or so months so we are in a routine before baby making commences in the SW household.



I'll leave you with SW and how "happy" he was to leave.