I'm awake, per the norm. I did the norm thing today. Well sort of the norm thing, I did have to pee in a cup and give blood, but I need life insurance so SW can have something to fall back on if something happens to me. I'm pretty empty right now. I'm like the shell of my former self. Mostly because on the outside I'm cheerful and normal, but inside I feel pretty dead. I don't know if I'm just acting, because that's the thing to do when your husband leaves or what the issue is. I just don't feel like myself. Its weird like I don't mind him being gone one minute then the next I'm talking to some one about SW and I have to fight really hard not to cry. Its up in the air. I've been super cheerful at work, but then feel like I'm doing really poorly. I can't really talk myself out of it either. Like today I got a compliment from this guy I helped with a major "ex wife issue". He was super nice and I know I was super helpful to him. I just felt like I was doing so bad. See I'm never late for work, but today, I was way late. In the past month or 6 weeks Ive been way off my game. My adherence has gone way off and my coming in late twice doesn't help. Oh well. I think it has to do with my lack of support. My mom says that work lost my loyalty, I suppose that's true, I just never realized until today, maybe subconsciously its true. They have totally screwed me over in my time of need. Now I just need to not be chicken shiz and find a better, more supportive army wife job. Or I suck it up stay another 18 months or so and then quit when I have a baby...but then I like money. I'm just really wanting to go back to school...hmmm maybe that's my issue. Ok so I need to look into a teaching degree...that's my new thing, SW and I have the money down...or will once I have the budget in effect...I have it just gotta make sure it works...and hopefully get ahead. Then I need to talk to him about school...I'm going to write him after this. Yeah I will it will make me feel better. I want to know how he feels about it.
Man I miss him. Its stuff like this that I just want to ask him a simple question. Should I go back to school? Will you support me? How much can we afford? Would you have an issue paying? Would you have an issue being the only one making money and I being the one to spend it? I've never lived off of someone, so how do you not take advantage? Oh its a lot to think about. Maybe I should look for another job. Can I get scholarships?
Man I miss him.
I wonder if I'll be back to "normal" ever, or what. I need to do so many things while he's gone. I want to find out who his father was, and what really happened with that family. I wish his mom was around to ask. Although I don't know much about her, so she could have not been nice, or not liked me. Though people who don't like me mostly don't know me. I'm one of those crispy outside people, my first impression doesn't always go over well. But once you know ME then you like me.